I tend to always get reflective towards the end of the year. It’s one of my favorite things about this season—in the midst of the pretty lights and the good company of others, I can look back at the year and gain an eagerness for the year ahead. But in this moment, I’ve found myself feeling stuck. Maybe it’s just an off day. Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick lately. Maybe I’m just exhausted. Whatever the reason might be, it’s caused me to do some thinking.
I’m not who I used to be. No one here knows who I was in high school or what I did then. I can tell them, but they didn’t know me then. They didn’t see me then. And I know for a lot of people that’s something they love about college. But man, I wish people here could’ve seen the me that lead worship every Wednesday night. I wish people here could’ve seen me giving my testimony each summer at Camp Vesper Point. I wish people here could see the way my heart comes alive when I’m around kids. I wish people here could’ve been on middle and high school retreats with me. I wish people here could’ve sat in physics class with me. I miss all these things that made me come alive. They were a part of me. Maybe I shouldn’t have put as much of my identity in them as I did, but I felt like who I was meant to be when I was in the midst them.
So what makes me come alive here? I’ve been thinking through that lately. And my answers are different. I guess they have to be because I don’t live on Signal Mountain anymore. But all these things that once made me feel so alive aren’t things I’m ready to leave behind yet. I would love to find those things here. And I’m beginning to, but I’m not quite there yet. I know it takes time, and I know I’m still transitioning, but lately I’ve felt stuck in it all. I haven’t felt fully like myself. But back to my question—yes, there are things that have made me feel alive here.
I feel alive when I’m in my Bible and ultimate meaning class and when we’re asking the hard questions—it’s frustrating, it’s challenging, but I love it. I still feel alive when I’m writing a good journal entry at night. I feel alive when I get to speak in front of others—whether it’s in class for a presentation or in Daniel chapel for something with EVM, it gives me this rush of adrenaline that never gets old. It makes me come alive. I felt alive when I shadowed at a YoungLife club here in Greenville—the thought of being a YoungLife leader is such a beautiful thought to me. I feel alive when I’m in worship. Whether it’s been at a church or at a concert, worship makes me feel so alive. I feel alive when I’m in good, intentional conversation with somebody.
So I guess what makes me feel alive is just showing up in different ways here. It’s hard to see that sometimes. On the off days it’s easier to see failure than potential. But you know, I have confidence in what God is doing here. I know He’s using this season for good—it’s different, it’s weird, but it’s an adventure, and it’s exciting. Praying I’ll remember these things on my off days and when I’m feeling stuck.
emptiness does not exist in Your presence
You fill my soul up, You fill my soul up
Ellie Proctor 