November 26th, 2017. From my journal.
“What I’m going back to tonight is my first high school fall retreat. The theme was the same as it was this year: “The Story.” It was that Saturday night when I saw, for the first time I could remember, someone crying over Jesus’s death. Tears were visibly running down the speaker’s cheeks as he retold the story. That had so much weight in his life that it brought him to tears. It brought him to his knees. He cared so deeply. In that moment I remember thinking that this was no joke, this whole Jesus thing. He gave up His life for me. I hadn’t grown up in church yet that phrase seemed so routine. But that night it was more than routine. It was all or nothing. Either I could follow Jesus with my life, or I could not follow Him at all. I could give up my life, or I could give nothing at all. I could let His death bring me to my knees, or I could let it be another story.
That night I knew I wanted it all to matter. I wanted Jesus to rush in like a flood and take over all that I was. Jesus chose death for me. He wasn’t the victim, but He was the volunteer. He died so that I could have life; life abundant. He leaves the ninety-nine to find the one every single time. There’s nothing He wouldn’t give up coming after me.
So God, don’t let me hold onto anything too tightly. I need less of this world and more of You. You will not withhold any good thing from me. You have given me what’s best in this time.
Because of You, on nights like these I can be strong. I can trust in You who is the God of the universe. I can trust in a God who knows my heart so well it’s like He created it (because You did). I can lean into a God who is my only true comfort in the storm. I can hear the whisper of Your voice luring me back into Your arms where I am known and I am loved. A place where I am still a child who knows so little yet hopes for so much. You are faithful, and You are holding onto me.
I Love You Lord.”
Ellie Proctor 