As conceited as this may sound, I’m not used to losing when I’ve worked hard to win. I’ve always been under the impression that the work I put in will equal what I receive in return. But that’s not the way God works. He gives himself freely, and the relationship He wants with us isn’t one centered around equality. I will never be able to deserve the perfect love He gives me. There’s nothing I can do, and nothing I can say, that will make Him love me any more or any less. Hallelujah for that.
Recently, I ran for a position on my high school’s student council. I was on student council this past year, and I absolutely loved it. My role became much more than something to add to a college application. I loved being a part of it. I loved the excitement of running the school pep rallies, I loved the relationships that I formed with the other people on student council, and I even loved making the posters for student council events to hang up in the school hallways. When it was time run for a position this year, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be on student council again. I had been thinking all year about the things I wanted to change, and how I would be able to truly make a difference my senior year of high school. Last year I had run unopposed, but this year I wasn’t that lucky.
All of my friends on student council were running unopposed except for me. A boy a year younger than me was running against me. The idea of running against someone for this position was something I had been worried about for months and months. I was praying that I would be running unopposed, but that wasn’t the case. So I was forced to deal with it in the best way possible. I shook hands with my opponent, and promised myself that I was going to have fun campaigning and give it my all. People can say a lot, but I was going to make sure they couldn’t say I didn’t try. I hung up posters all around the school, and I even painted my car saying, “Vote Ellie!” And on election day, I had bought a new dress to wear, and I curled my hair, and I put on makeup and heels, and I had the entire drum-line play at the high school entrance in the morning. I was SO excited. As the drumline played, I couldn’t stop smiling. My friends were there to support me, and I had even convinced them to dress up nice with me. I had even made posters for myself and two of my other friends who were running to be on student council for the first time this year. In this moment, I thought I had it. My opponent had not campaigned at all. He didn’t even hang up a single poster. Nonetheless, I was extremely nervous all day waiting for the results, but all the logistics told me that I had it.
School let out at 2:25 and the results were posted at 2:20. Being as anxious as I was, I looked at 2:20 before anyone else looked at it. My heart dropped when I didn’t see my name. I was disappointed with myself, and I was sad. I was really sad. After everything I had done, and all I had planned to do, I lost to someone who didn’t hang up a single poster. How could that be possible?
I didn’t want anyone to see me looking at the results and feel sorry for me, so I cried in a bathroom stall for 20 minutes after school let out. I wish I would’ve walked straight out the doors, but I threw myself a pity party instead. I didn’t want to drive home with my windows painted saying “Vote Ellie!” because I thought people would think I was foolish for thinking I could win, and for even campaigning in the first place. Once I thought I had pulled it together, I threw my final poster away, took a picture of the results, and walked out the front doors. I thought I was done crying until I saw two of my friends had waited for me out in the parking lot. They gave me hugs, and told me how sorry they were, and were just so incredibly sweet. And when I got home, a friend unexpectedly showed up at my house and just sat and talked with me. I can’t tell you how much these gestures meant to me. And over the weekend, I had so many friends who were just there for me without me even asking. They genuinely cared about me, and wanted to make sure I was okay. I had never had this much support from my friends before, and it made all the difference.
But more than anything, I wanted an email from my student council advisor saying something went wrong; that the results were misinterpreted, and that it was all a mistake, and that I was going to be on student council next year. That email never came. I really had to accept that I lost. And I beat myself up over it. Did people not like me? Why didn’t they like me? Were people lying to me when they said they voted for me? What did I do wrong? And how could I make this right?
But there was nothing I could do to make it “right.” I couldn’t hang up any more posters, send out more messages, or put more paint on my car. The election was over. And the first thing I did when I got home that day was scrub all the paint off my car, even when it started raining. I had to scrub the paint off my car. That was the one thought I was holding onto. Get the paint off your car. You lost. Again, I was throwing myself a pity party. But I didn’t want to be the foolish girl who thought she could win.
I went out of my comfort zone for this election. I hate campaigning or promoting myself in any way. I hate being competitive, and I hate the person a competitive environment brings out of me. I promised myself it would be different this time. I promised myself that I wouldn’t back out of this election because someone was running against me. And I didn’t back out, and it was different this time. And I thought I had figured out what God was teaching me through this. I thought He was teaching me about overcoming my fear of losing, except I thought He would teach me that through victory. I thought I would win because I deserved it. I thought I would win because of all the effort I had put in. I thought I would win because of my positive attitude. I thought I would win because of my unfaltering determination and initiative. I feared losing. But I could see God teaching me through victory. And I was confused when I lost. I thought I had it. I thought I had it figured out. I thought I had God’s plan for me through this figured out. But I didn’t.
And I can already tell you that I’m learning so much more from losing than I would have if I won. I don’t fear losing anymore because I’ve gotten a glimpse of the little victories that come with losing, like humility and support from the people who love me. I’ve gained courage. No longer will I be afraid to lose, because I know how it feels to lose, and I believe it’s something I can and will come back from. I believe closed doors lead to open ones. I believe there’s a reason that I lost this student council election before my senior year. And while I can’t exactly pinpoint God’s plan in this, He’s been giving me glimpses of it, which is more than enough.
I don’t know what this means. I don’t know why I lost or exactly how to deal with it or where I’m going from here. And God will probably not open a door with a trumpet and a beam of light (although I know he could if He wanted to), but I trust whatever He’s doing in my life and in my heart.
I value control in my life more than I care to admit. I thought I had this election under my control. I thought the posters, the paint on my car, the drum-line in the morning, my professional attire, my reputation, and my initiative would make me win. But this wasn’t in my control, and there was nothing I could do to change that. I’m glad I was the one who tried instead of the one who didn’t, but neither of those things matter to God. Like I said, there’s nothing I can do or say to make Him love me any more or any less than He already does. And if I truly believe that He loves be unconditionally, and with a love so great I can’t even begin to comprehend it, then I must also believe that He knows what’s best for me. He called me His daughter. He claimed me in my sin and shame, and He still claims me now. I don’t know what’s next, but I trust my Heavenly Father, the hope He’s given me, and the love He’s lavished on me. I am not a loser. I am not a disappointment. I am child of God. I am His beloved daughter, and He is my King. I lost an election, yet Christ laid down His life. How could I not trust the God known for making a way when there is no way? The God who parted the sea for His people surely has a plan for me, and will not hesitate to make a way when it seems there isn’t one. I don’t doubt that for a second.
But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him.
Philippians 3:7-9
Ellie Proctor 