A story from October 13, 2015.
Lately, I’ve been struggling with school. Not with grades, but how to keep a positive outlook in the midst of stress and anxiety, and how to rely on God when I have AP homework to do, or when I have a big test to study for. It is in the midst of the chaos in my everyday life that I begin to doubt myself, and in the middle of that, I begin to doubt what God is able to do. But then God shows up in really amazing ways, and His presence becomes undeniable.
For the past two days, I have been studying for this AP test, and I decided if I don’t do well on it, it may be the end of the world. Since I knew I had a ton of information to cover, yesterday I decided to study at the town library, which I hadn’t been to since elementary school. I was there from 3:15-7:45, and I studied information the entire time that did not interest me in the slightest bit. I was worried, stressed, anxious, and trying to cram in as much studying as possible in the time I had. But in the course of it all, I was happy because of this new, quaint place I had found to study.
At around 7:15, I was drained. It took all that was in me to keep typing; getting by word by word and letter by letter. Then what was a quiet library became all the more vibrant when a loving woman walked in with two, radiant, little faces full of joy. To some, this interruption of silence would have been frustrating. But luckily the Holy Spirit was moving in me, and instead, that interruption of silence was a blessing to me rather than a source of frustration.
Then I heard a little girl behind me say, “mommy, can you read this to me?”
At that moment, when I had the worst headache I had ever had in my life, something in me changed. A switch flipped.
At this time in my life, I can say with confidence that I am an avid reader. I’ve been reading for a while now, and I don’t even think twice about my ability to read. But I haven’t always had the ability to read. I once was a little girl just like her. I was once a little girl who needed my mommy to perform a simple, everyday task that I wasn’t capable of doing. I used to need someone to read to me too. I needed someone to help me.
Now that I’m older, there are many things I don’t need people to help me with. I can get by with everyday tasks on my own. As I get older, I don’t need people as much as I used to. But there’s one thing I will always need more than anyone or anything else. God. I need God.
I don’t just want God because I’m too lazy to do things on my own. I don’t just want God. Everything that’s in me needs Him because on my own I am lost. Without God, I am nothing. But if God is with me, I can conquer anything. I don’t just want God, but I desperately need Him. I need God more than I need a good grade on my AP test. I need God more than I need to sleep, and I even need God more than I need to breathe.
God, I confess, I need you. I need you more than anything, and I will seek you for the rest of my days. You are truly a wondrous God.
You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry parched land
where there is no water.Psalms 63:1
Ellie Proctor 